Celebrity Jeopardy!, Total Drama Style
by UltimateWarriorFan4Ever
Summary: A spoof of the famous Celebrity Jeopardy skits on Saturday Night Live, featuring the characters you love from the Total Drama series! Who'll win? Who'll lose? Who'll crack under the pressure? Enjoy! Sam, Dawn, and B are up! FINISHED!
1. Geoff, Bridgette and Ezekiel

**"Celebrity Jeopardy: Total Drama Style"**

**Rated T for Crude Humor**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Saturday Night Live or the Total Drama series.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 1: Geoff, Bridgette &amp; Ezekiel<strong>

(Jeopardy! theme music plays.)

Alex Trebek: Hello, and welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy, where in case if you haven't been living in under Don Vito's backfat for years...is a show where you ask questions and get green crap in which I refuse to speak of. Today's contestants are Geoff, Bridgette and the homeschool country boy hick, Ezekiel.

(Ezekiel is shown wearing his rapper gear.)

Ezekiel: Yo, Yo, Yo! It's the Wawanakwa Iced Z, eh?

Alex Trebek: Okay, fine, Mr. Z. Enough with the introductions, let's get with-

(As he gets to the board, Alex is distracted by Geoff and Bridgette's kissing sounds. He is annoyed that they are making out.)

Alex Trebek: Geoff, Bridgette, this is Jeopardy, not "The Notebook".

Geoff: (breaking away from Bridgette) Sorry, me and Bridge watched it last night. Chick flicks turn her on.

(Geoff and Bridgette continue to make out more.)

Alex Trebek: How appropriate...here are the categories. Potent Potables, Famous titles, Things Trebek Sucks-

(Geoff laughs boisteriously.)

Alex Trebek: What should I say is so funny, Geoff?

Geoff: Because it's true!

(Naruto & Shikamaru laughs along with him from the audience.)

Naruto & Shikamaru: Trebek sucks!

(The audience laugh.)

Audience: Trebek Sucks!

(An announcement comes from the Jeopardy studio.)

"Jeopardy!" announcer: "Jeopardy!" viewers...Alex Trebek sucks!

Alex Trebek: (to camera) You too?

"Jeopardy!" announcer: Chris McLean paid me!

Alex Trebek: How interesting. Remind me to kill you later...now, where was I? Oh yeah. Presidents on the $1 dollar bill, Jake "The Snake " Roberts, and "Things that are yellow". Geoff, you'll start.

Geoff: I'll try "Famous Titties" for $200, Alex!

Alex Trebek: That's famous titles.

Geoff: Oh...well, I like Bridgette's. Her's are hot!

(Geoff points at Bridgette's hot rack.)

Bridgette: It's true. Geoff really loves my boobies.

Alex Trebek: How right for a family show. Here's the answer. This movie title is based on the book "Gone With The Wind."

(Ezekiel buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Ezekiel.

Ezekiel: That's Wawakanwa Iced Z, eh?

Alex Trebek: Are you that retarded?

Ezekiel: The blood tests say I'm right.

Alex Trebek: Still, that is wrong.

(Geoff buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: As there is any trouble...Geoff?

Geoff: What is Pamela Anderson?

Alex Trebek: It's "Famous Titles" not "titties".

Geoff: You must me gay, aren't you?

Alex Trebek: Ask Anderson Cooper, maybe he remembers. Ezekiel-

Ezekiel: (angrily) Wawanakwa Iced Z!

Alex Trebek: Like anyone cares...you choose.

Ezekiel: I'll take Jake "The Snake" Roberts for $200, eh?

Alex Trebek: This man invented the wrestling move, the "DDT".

(Bridgette buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Oh, thank goodness...Bridgette?

Bridgette: What is Geoff?

Alex Trebek: Are you high?

Bridgette: (coughing) Yeah, I am...

(Bridgette laughs like hell, still coughing up the pot clouds.)

Alex Trebek: And I wonder how Cheech and Chong is watching...

(Geoff buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: (sighs disappointingly) Geoff...

Geoff: What is Bridgette's hot tits?

(Alex Trebek lays his head down in embarassment.)

Ezekiel: Is that right, eh?

Alex Trebek: The answer is Jake "The Snake" Roberts. You know what? Just forget it...time for Final Jeopardy and your topic is "Anything." Just write anything.

("Final Jeopardy!" theme song plays.)

Alex Trebek: Just write anything. Anything from a dyslexic Tom Cruise...to Lil Jon pooping on Osama bin Laden. Okay time's up.

("Final Jeopardy!" theme song is over.)

Alex Trebek: Ezekiel...

Ezekiel: WAWANAKWA ICED Z! GET IT RIGHT! DAMN!

Alex Trebek: Like I would give one if Satan had been 'Futtbucking' me with a pitchfork. Let's see what you wrote. You wrote down...

(A picture of a blotch appears.)

Alex Trebek: What in the blue hell is that?

Ezekiel: Your mom pooping on a blue screen, eh?

Alex Trebek: Works well for me...what did you wager?

(Ezekiel writes down "1 cent.")

Alex Trebek: 1 penny...why 1 penny.

Ezekiel: That's all I have left.

Alex Trebek: Congraulations, you have become the first homeschooled idiot who makes any real money. Bridgette, let's go to you, what did you write down?

(A picture of a boot appears.)

Alex Trebek: A boot. Why a boot?

Bridgette: It's something I'm gonna use on Ezekiel, if he keeps grabbing my ass like that!

(Ezekiel is caught grabbing Bridgette's ass.)

Ezekiel: What? It's on sale?

Alex Trebek: Please keep it in your pants, Long Island Iced Z.

Ezekiel: It's Wawanakwa!

Alex Trebek: We're in "Celebrity Jeopardy!" not Wawanakwa. Geoff...as if I really had to ask...what did you write down?

(A picture of Bridgette's boobs is shown.)

Alex Trebek: I had to ask...why her boobs?

Geoff: I imitate car horn sounds. It's like the preacher and your mom's buttcheeks. Burn!

(Naruto & Shikamaru laughs from the audience.)

Naruto & Shikamaru: BURN!

Alex Trebek: Thanks for that unholy image...what did you wager?

(Geoff writes down "Naruto & Shikamaru")

Alex Trebek: Naruto and Shikamaru...why two characters of Naruto?

Geoff: Because we've come to party! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Naruto and Shikamaru go to Geoff and Bridgette and party to "Tube Snake Boogie" by ZZ Top.)

Geoff: (To Alex) How do you like me now? Pansyass? WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Alex Trebek: Well, this show...like my life...is over. The winner is Ezekiel, a.k.a. "Wawanakwa Iced Pee Pee" with a penny. That's it for Celebrity Jeopardy, I'm Alex Trebek and all of you can go to hell. Good night.

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><p><strong>Okay, what did everyone think?<strong> **Next up will be Duncan, Gwen & Trent! Read and review until then! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**


	2. Duncan, Gwen and Trent

**"Celebrity Jeopardy: Total Drama Style"**

**Rated T for Crude Humor**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Saturday Night Live or the Total Drama series.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2: Duncan, Gwen &amp; Trent<strong>

(Jeopardy! theme music plays.)

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I don't know why I'm here, but I'm certain it has something to do with a certain delienquent mistaking me for the urinal. Today's contestants are Duncan, Gwen, and the poor man's Eddie Van Halen himself...Trent.

Trent: Hey I'm not a poor man's Eddie Van Halen!

Alex Trebek: That's what they all say, Eddie.

Trent: I'm Trent!

Alex Trebek: Whatever. Let's just get to the categories. Here are Potent Potables, Green, Baseball Teams, Celebrity Photos, Things that are orange, and Family Matters.

Gwen: What lame categories.

Alex Trebek: What is the matter?

Gwen: You pooped your pants.

(Alex Trebek notices that he has a brown spot in the back of his pants.)

Alex Trebek: By god, I'm right. Duncan, since you love mistaking me like a gonnorhea-infested bathroom at an airport, you start.

Duncan: Get me Family Matters for $200, butt nugget.

Alex Trebek: I hope that was a toilet reference...For $200, "This Actor played Eddie Winslow on Family Matters."

(A picture of Darius McCrary is shown. No one answers, Duncan plays with his lighter, Gwen takes a nap, and Trent tries to think.)

Alex Trebek: Okay, try this. He went on to voice a dead Transformer in the movie adaptation of "Transformers."

(Still nothing. Duncan is still playing with his lighter, Gwen is still trying to sleep, and Trent is still thinking.)

Alex Trebek: Okay, try this...he went on to play Malcolm Winters on "The Young And The Restless".

(Still nothing, Duncan is still playing with his lighter, Gwen is still sleeping, and Trent finally comes up with an answer. He buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Finally! Someone who has the heart to answer! Trent?

Trent: Who is David Faustino?

Alex Trebek: Trent...why would David Faustino be black?

Trent: I'd figured he tan.

Alex Trebek: For goodness, sakes...David Faustino played Bud Bundy on "Married...With Children"!

Trent: I thought that was Ashton Kutcher...

Alex Trebek: I hate you...the answer was Darius McCrary.

Gwen: Who?

Alex Trebek: Darius McCrary.

Duncan: Wasn't he in "Rush Hour"?

Alex Trebek: That was Chris Tucker. Never mind, let's just go to another category. Gwen?

Gwen: I'll go Green with $200.

Alex Trebek: Glad to see youre not dead, Gwen. For $200, this character from Naruto wears green.

(A picture of Rock Lee is shown. Trent buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Angus? (Young)

Trent: Urrgh...I'm Trent.

Alex Trebek: I thought you were Eddie Van Halen.

Trent: No, I'm Angus-Uh, I mean, Trent.

Alex Trebek: Well, whatever your name is, it's wrong.

Trent: WHAT! That's not fair, you didn't let me answer you turd!

Alex Trebek: Life is for squares, Eddie Angus Van Young.

Trent: That ain't my name!

Alex Trebek: Whatever...

(Gwen buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Gwen.

Gwen: (distastefully) What is poop?

Alex Trebek: How would that...(points to a picture of Rock Lee)...look like poop?

Gwen: Don't admit that looks like poop. Everything looks like brown shit wherever you see it.

Alex Trebek: Thanks...now I may never have gravy again...

(Duncan buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Of course...Duncan?

Duncan: What is...your mom?

Alex Trebek: Are you on drugs.

(Duncan's eyes are overshot.)

Duncan: Uhhhhhhhh...no.

Alex Trebek: I see that you all three must have no sense of life whatsoever. The answer is...audience?

Audience: ROCK LEE!

Trent: Is he addicted to Bruce Lee?

(Alex Trebek bows his head down in embarassment.)

Alex Trebek: You know what, since I refuse to put up with much 'shit' in a lifetime, let's go to "Final Jeopardy!" And yes, that's a bathroom term. Your clue is to just write what you're thinking.

("Final Jeopardy" theme song plays.)

Alex Trebek: It could be anything you're thinking? Maybe it might be cocaine. Or a horse fueled with cocaine. Or the metal group Metallica drugging a horse with cocaine.

("Final Jeopardy" theme song plays.)

Alex Trebek: Okay, let's start first with Eric Clapton.

Trent: (angrily) I'm Trent! Trent!

Alex Trebek: Like I care much to guess. Trent, you wrote down...

(Trent writes down a bearded man with a guitar with a Christian cross as a pickaxe.)

Alex Trebek: Jesus Christ...I didn't know you were interested in Jesus Christ.

Trent: No, man. It's Clapton.

(Duncan laughs.)

Alex Trebek: (to Duncan) Why are you laughing?

Duncan: I got Clapton too! What are the odds.

(Duncan also writes down Eric Clapton, except that he's a stick figure. Alex Trebek bows his head in embarassment.)

Alex Trebek: I blame your parents for making you pansies...you know what? Forget what you wagered...let's go to Gwen. Gwen, what did you write?

(Gwen writes down a piece of poop.)

Alex Trebek: Poop, huh?

Gwen: Wait till you see what I wagered...

Alex Trebek: Really? We'll let's see...

(Instead of wagering, Gwen writes down a dead Alex Trebek laying down waiting to get pooped.)

Alex Trebek: It's me...getting crapped on. Why?

Gwen: Because you're a piece of s**t, that's why. What do I win, crap-face?

Alex Trebek: You're actually right, for the first time since anyone is on PCP...someone has finally won Celebrity Jeopardy. For that, Gwen wins a lifetime supply of 'shit' from Piers Morgan's bathroom. That's all for "Celebrity Jeopardy!", I'm gonna go try to kill myself with a butter knife. Good day.

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><p><strong>My stomach feels a little queasy. Gonna hit the john. Next chapter will be Alejandro, Heather and Justin! Until then, read and review! Schuck it hard!<strong>


	3. Alejandro, Heather and Justin

**"Celebrity Jeopardy: Total Drama Style"**

**Rated T for Crude Humor**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Saturday Night Live or the Total Drama series.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 3: Alejandro, Heather and Justin<strong>

(Jeopardy! theme music plays.)

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy, If you're wondering why no one hasn't been killed in an atmosphere like this because the horse-crap from last time is still kicking in my mustache. Today's contestants are Alejandro, Heather and Justin, which I assume that he's looking at a mirror right now.

(Alex Trebek sees Justin looking at himself in a mirror.)

Alex Trebek: Justin, will you please quit looking at yourself? We are in the middle of "Celebrity Jeopardy" here.

Justin: As much I've been looking at you? Your mustache looks like someone ran your face over with a motorbike.

(Alex Trebek feels comfortable with Justin compliment.)

Alex Trebek: Thanks, this motorbike look burns my face apart. Okay let's go to categories...we have Potent Potables, Heather-

Heather: Wait a minute, there's a category named after me?

Alex Trebek: Yes, there is.

Alejandro: Ah, yes...that is an advantage to mi love. I promise that (holds Heather's hand) when I win, I will treat you like the fairest queen there ever is. No intteruptions, no boundaries...come be one with me...

(Heather swats her hand away from Alejandro.)

Heather: Ew! Get away!

Alejandro: But Heather, why swat away from me, you know you can't resist me any more longer...

Heather: Look, I don't know why in your pussy-footed mind why you want people to believe that I love you, when in reality, I don't! What happened on Total Drama World Tour is an accident! You're nothing but annoying!

Alex Trebek: I agree with Heather. So if I want my date with that Hooker on polio after this show, let's move on with the rest of the categories. Other than Potent Potables and Heather, we also have WWE, Characters from Naruto, Looney Tunes, and Animals. Justin, since you're the less annoying and more narcissistic than Reggie Mantle on Ganja...you start.

Justin: (puts his mirror up) I'll take WWE for $200, Alex.

Alex Trebek: Good, someone with pitch-perfect Speak and Spell. For $200, this wrestler is known as "The Shaman of Sexy".

(Justin buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Thank god...Justin?

Justin: What is Jim Morrison?

Alex Trebek: Justin, Jim Morrison is dead.

Justin: Why? You kill him?

Alex Trebek: No, I didn't. That's just the voices in your head.

Justin: That's "The Viper" Randy Orton. Why are you telling me crap I wouldn't know?

Alex Trebek: This is Celebrity Jeopardy, not "Password" on Hyacinth.

(Heather buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Heather?

Heather: What is Jim Morrison?

Alex Trebek: Don't come back here again. Besides, Justin already said that...

Heather: Well, I'm sorry. Alejandro wouldn't stop making those disgusting kissing sounds at me! It made me so hard to hear.

(Justin is laughing in a annoying fashion.)

Alex Trebek: May I ask what is funny?

Justin: Heather said "So hard"...

Alex Trebek: Oh...now I see...how friendly for a PG-rated show. The correct answer is "The Shaman of Sexy" John Morrison. Alejandro, since you didn't answer because you're being the disgusting Latin pig that you are, you choose.

Alejandro: (annoying) Fine...just give me "Characters of Naruto" for $200.

Alex Trebek: It's an Audio Daily Double. Just listen to this character right here, and tell me who it is.

(Choji's burp is heard over the studio. Heather is disgusted so she buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Heather?

Heather: What is-Hey!

(Heather swats away from Alejandro, who tries to kiss her.)

Alejandro: Oh, admit it. You can't get enough of me...

Alex Trebek: Heather, that is wrong.

Heather: It's not fair, he's trying to kiss me!

Alex Trebek: Of course we're not on LSD, you already like him.

Heather: It was a mistake! Damn!

(Heather pouts. Justin feels bad for her, but he starts to get annoyed by Alejandro.)

Alejandro: It's not a mistake. Just admit to me one more time...no one can tell...just tell those passionate words to me one more time...

(He holds Heather by the chin passionately.)

Heather: I...I...I..lah-lah...

Justin: Hey, Alejandro...

Alejandro: (Turns around to Justin) Yeah?

(Justin hits Alejandro in the face with his mirror. Alejandro goes down because of the impact.)

Alejandro: (covering his face) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Justin: You get what you deserve you b**ner!

Alejandro: You bastard! (to Alex) He broke my nose!

Alex Trebek: The answer was wrong. The right answer to that burp is Choji.

Heather: (angrily) Justin? You...you...(turns to delight.)...you're my hero!

(Heather hugs Justin, thanking him.)

Audience: AWWWWWWWWWWWW...

Alex Trebek: The only grunt I make when I take a shit. Let's just skip the questions and go to Final Jeopardy. The clue is...You know what, the hell with this, just "Write down what you think."

("Final Jeopardy!" theme song plays.)

Alex Trebek: It doesn't matter what you think. The Rock didn't think of this, he just came up with the whole idea. We'll just accept anything and it'll be right. Anything from a dead puppy to zombie Obama works.

("Final Jeopardy" theme song ends.)

Alex Trebek: Okay, let's start with Heather...who is making out with Justin now.

(Alex sees Heather and Justin making out heavily on the floor.)

Heather: Oh, baby...you kiss so good...Mmmmmmm...

Justin: Oh, baby...you ain't seen nothing yet...Mmmmmmmm...

Alex Trebek: Let's see what Heather wrote.

(Heather writes what seems to be Justin's 'sausage'.)

Alex Trebek: A penis...well, that's acceptable. And she wagers...11 inches. That's clean...Okay, let's see what Justin wrote down. He writes...

(Justin writes the picture of a cat.)

Alex Trebek: A cat. How odd for a narcissist. And he wagers...P***y. How the FCC will have my ass for this one. Let's go to Alejandro...

(Alejandro's eyes is still bleeding and screaming in pain.)

Alejandro: Helpo! Mommo! Lots of bloodo! AAAAAAAH!

Alex Trebek: Well, stating from the condition that Alejandro's in...I say a morgue is in order. From all to us watching, I say on first account...that every one of these three contestants are retarded. That's all for "Celebrity Jeopardy", I'm going to my hotel room and masturbate. Good night.

(Alex Trebek leaves while Heather's moaning sounds are heard offscreen.)

Heather: (moaning) Oh, Justin! Do me baby! Do me! Ohhhhhh...

Justin: Oh, baby! Who's the bitch? Who's the bitch?

(Spanking noises are heard.)

Heather: Ohhhhhh, yessss! Yesssss! Oh, Justin, spank me hard...!

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><p><strong>Man, that was something else! next chapter will be Owen, Courtney &amp; Noah! Read and review! It's gonna get good by the minute!<strong>


	4. Owen, Courtney and Noah

**"Celebrity Jeopardy: Total Drama Style"**

**Rated T for Crude Humor**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Saturday Night Live or the Total Drama series. By the way...I decided to give Noah a Sean Connery-like persona in this chapter. Enjoy!  
><strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter 4: Owen, Courtney &amp; Noah<strong>

(Jeopardy! theme music plays.)

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy, and I'm certain I just stepped on something that looks like a dead raccoon with rotten egg on steroids. Today's contestants are Owen, the whiny little bitch known as Courtney-

Courtney: (screaming) I'm not a whiny little bitch!

Alex Trebek: Well, you certainly act like one, Courtney. Don't make any lies, you whiny little bitch. And of course...(shudders nervously)...Noah.

Noah: (with a Sean Connery accent) Shuck it, Trebek! Shuck it long and shuck it hard!

Alex Trebek: I'll make aware of that...okay, here your categories. Potent Potables, Months that begin with "Feb", Whiny Little Bitches, Album Covers, Naruto's Jutsus and the number 10.

(Courtney raises her hand.)

Courtney: Excuse me...what kind of questions are those. Those sound corny and retarded.

Alex Trebek: Just like the time you stole Justin's spot as the antagonist on Total Drama Action? You are corny and retarded.

Courtney: I AM NOT CORNY AND RETARDED!

Alex Trebek: For screaming at the host, you'll be starting with negative 500,000 points.

Courtney: WHAT! That's not how the game is played! You're nothing but a phony!

Noah: (angrily) Oh, god! Can someone please shut the whiny little bitch up, so I can play already?

(Courtney scowls at Noah.)

Alex Trebek: I agree. But I'll let Owen start.

Owen: I'll take-

(Owen accidentally farts on Courtney.)

Courtney: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(Noah laughs boisteriously.)

Noah: That is awesome!

Owen: HAHAHAHA...I had a assload of Queefer Beans. They make asses explode just like that.

Alex Trebek: On second thought, let's go to Noah. He'll choose.

Noah: I'll take "Anal Bum Covers" for $200, Alex.

Alex Trebek: That's album covers, Noah.

Noah: Really? I was thinking about making anal bum covers. You wanna see Llama anal?

(Alex Trebek points to Courtney.)

Alex Trebek: I just did...For $200, this is the color that Metallica used for their 1991 album.

(A picture shows Metallica's 'black' album. Owen buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Owen?

Owen: What is Baked Beans?

Alex Trebek: Owen, how would that (points at the clue) look like baked beans?

Owen: Someone spilled it.

(Alex Trebek sees the Baked beans stain on the Metallica 'black' album.)

Alex Trebek: Remind me to kill Regis for Lunch...

(Noah buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Oh, god...Noah?

Noah: What is baked beans?

Alex Trebek: You know what, forget it. We would have accepted the color black, but it seems that Owen and Noah get the right answer. For that, they get $50,000.

Courtney: Hey, it's not fair. (whining) My buzzer didn't work!

Alex Trebek: It's not my problem. You hurt my feelings.

Courtney: (Whining) I WANT MY LAWYER! YOURE RIPPING ME OFF!

Alex Trebek: For that, you get negative 1,000,000 points.

Courtney: That's it! I quit! This show is for n****rs anyway! Wheel of Fortune was better than your s**thole mustache! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

(Courtney leaves the Celebrity Jeopardy! set angrily.)

Alex Trebek: What a whiny little bitch. Owen, you start.

Owen: I'll try "Months that start with "Feb." for $200, Alex.

Alex Trebek: How friendly of you, you fat piece of crap. For $200, this month is after January and before March.

(Noah buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Oh, great. Noah want's to say something...

Noah: Feb-tober!

Alex Trebek: No.

(Owen buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: (stressful) Owen...?

Owen: What is Feb-cember?

Alex Trebek: All of you suck. The correct answer is Feburary.

Noah: Haven't heard of that...

Owen: Me neither...

Alex Trebek: Okay, Noah, you...you know what, screw it. Let's just go to Final Jeopardy, and your clue is "Things You Like". Just write anything you like.

(Final Jeopardy! theme music plays.)

Alex Trebek: If you like circles, draw a circle. Owen can draw a fat crackhead. Noah can draw me hanging myself. Just write anything you like and we'll accept it.

(Final Jeopardy! theme music plays.)

Alex Trebek: Let's go to Owen. For God's sakes, what did you write down?

(Owen writes down a can of baked beans.)

Alex Trebek: Baked beans. Are you on LSD?

Owen: I wish.

Alex Trebek: How appropriate. Let's see what you wagered.

(Owen writes "Up your ass." as his wager.)

Alex Trebek: Up your ass. How I didn't see that coming...Owen, you are by far the most pathetic waste of human trash ever walking on this Earth.

Owen: (burping) You're welcome.

Alex Trebek: Let's go to Noah. Noah, for some reasons, what did you write?

(Noah writes "Alex Trebek".)

Alex Trebek: It's me...I'm surprised...

Noah: I just like ya, man. It's all in fun.

Alex Trebek: (approvingly) Well, I'm flattered...let's see what you wagered...

(Noah writes "Sucks.")

Alex Trebek: Sucks...

(Noah laughs at him like a hyena, pointing at Alex Trebek.)

Noah: What a blowhard!

Alex Trebek: I can't believe I fell for that.

Noah: You can schuck on it! Schuck it hard!

Alex Trebek: Oh, woe is me. We would give Courtney an answer and wager, but due to her whiny little bitchiness and a passion for racial offensiveness, she cannot. So Owen and Noah win, for reasons unknown that they are stoned as hell. That's it for Celebrity Jeopardy, I'm going home and drinking my own piss. Good night.

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><p><strong>You had to expect something from Noah. Coming up will be D.J., Katie and Sadie! Read and review! Schuck it long...and schuck it hard!<strong>


	5. DJ, Katie and Sadie

**"Celebrity Jeopardy: Total Drama Style"**

**Rated T for Crude Humor**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Saturday Night Live or the Total Drama series.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 5: D.J., Katie &amp; Sadie<br>**

(Jeopardy! theme music plays.)

Alex Trebek: Hello, and welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy. I forgot to mention to everyone at home that this show is now brought to you to those who are afraid of yellow tape. To those around the retarded left part of Bangladesh, I'm sorry. Today's contestants are D.J., Katie & Sadie for some reasons unknown.

D.J.: Alex, something stinks, man.

Alex Trebek: That was me. I pooped myself again.

Katie: Well, whatever it is...it's rancid!

Alex Trebek: I accidentally glued my pants shut. Live with that. With that said in mind, let's go to our categories. Let's start with Potent Potables, The number 10, Japan/US Relations, Will This Hurt If You Put It In Your Mouth?, Sasuke Uchiha, and brownies. We'll start with the pork fat herself, Sadie.

Sadie: I'm not fat!

Alex Trebek: Fine, cream-filled, whatever. Just choose.

Sadie: Sasuke Uchiha for $200. He's just so dreamy...

(Sadie is daydreaming Sasuke.)

Alex Trebek: I shudder to think of that...For $200, "This is Sasuke's brother from Naruto."

(A picture of Itachi Uchiha appears. D.J. buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: D.J.?

D.J.: Who is Chace Crawford.

Alex Trebek: Dear lord, no.

(Katie buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Katie?

Katie: Who is Captain Underpants?

(Alex Trebek lays his head down in embarassment.)

Alex Trebek: I hate my life...

(Sadie buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Porkfat-Uh, I mean, Sadie.

Sadie: Uh...what is Chace Crawford?

Alex Trebek: (angrily) Have all of you dropped on your heads when you were babies?

D.J., Katie & Sadie: (proudly) Yes!

Alex Trebek: I had to ask...the correct answer is Itachi Uchiha.

D.J.: I don't know who that is...

Alex Trebek: Dear god...Okay, since you're the only man whose eyes cant see squat...you choose.

D.J.: Thanks, man. I'll take Jap Anus Relations for $200.

Alex Trebek: Your mother must've raised you in a wheat field I assume...it's Japan/US Relations.

D.J.: Like it matters what you think you Canadian Ponch.

Alex Trebek: For $200, Japan bombed this harbor in December 7th of 1941 in Hawaii.

(Sadie buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: The fat pink cow known as Sadie.

Sadie: Uhhhhhh...what is Chace Crawford?

Alex Trebek: Good heavens, no? Why are you even thinking about that little fruit?

Sadie: He's cute. He's always the right answer. It's true and he'll prove it to you.

Alex Trebek: I forgot to mention that everyone in this studio whose name isn't Chace Crawford wont be shot immediately.

(D.J. buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Oh, crap...D.J.?

D.J.: Who is Cuba Gooding Jr?

Alex Trebek: Please kill me now...

(Katie buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Katie?

Katie: What is me?

Alex Trebek: For anyone who is blind, deaf and dumb, why yourself?

Katie: D.J. gave me free Sake shots. (burps) Who's bombed right now?

Alex Trebek: I am so fired. The correct answer is Pearl Harbor.

Sadie: What's Pearl Harbor?

Alex Trebek: Your fatass of a mom. Let's just go to "Final Jeopardy" and your question is "Where are you right now?"

(Final Jeopardy! theme song plays.)

Alex Trebek: You can be at a game show. You can be at "American Idol" with Dyslexics. You can even be at a crapper reading an issue of "Wrinkled Slutty Bats". Just write where are you right now.

(Final Jeopardy! theme song ends.)

Alex Trebek: Times up. Let's go to D.J. You wrote down...

(D.J. writes down "You." as his answer.)

Alex Trebek: Me. How homoengenic of you.

D.J.: Oh, no. I'm straight as that s**tty-ass moustache that you have.

Alex Trebek: Well, that's not getting through. You wagered...

(D.J. writes "Can go to hell" as his wager.)

Alex Trebek: Can go to hell. That's weird, that's what I was thinking myself when I saw the rest of you...Okay, let's go to Katie. Katie?

(Alex Trebek sees Katie drink a sip of Sake.)

Alex Trebek: Katie?

(Katie hesistates and puts up the bottle of Sake.)

Alex Trebek: I'm glad to see you're stable. What did you write down?

(Katie writes down "Right".)

Alex Trebek: Oh, you decided to take a right. How messed up of you.

Katie: (gulps drunkenly) I really am...

Alex Trebek: Interesting. Let's see your wager.

(Katie writes "On D.J." as her wager.)

Alex Trebek: Right on D.J. Why?

Katie: I wouldn't lie. I would ride him like a cowgirl does a bull, if you know what I mean...

(Katie looks at D.J. lustingly licking her lips. D.J. lets out a blush.)

Alex Trebek: Well, that's a spirit breaker. Okay, the fatass we call Sadie, let's see what you wrote down. I'm afraid to ask what you wrote...

(Sadie writes down "Chace Crawford".)

Alex Trebek: Chace Crawford...are you on crack?

Sadie: Yes, I am! Alex! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Alex Trebek: How nice of you. You just got me fired. Let's see your wager.

(Sadie writes down "F**k me." as her wager.)

Alex Trebek: F**k me. What a piece of cows**t you are.

Sadie: Did I win? What do I get?

Alex Trebek: Fine, anyone whose name isn't Chace Crawford wins. I've had it with a momma's boy, a drunk pink-ridden slut, and the fat piece of grade-A monkeycrap for one day. Until then, that's it for Celebrity Jeopardy. I hope all of you die in your sleep. Good night.

* * *

><p><strong>Wow, Sadie must me lamer that I ever seen. Anyway, Cody, Sierra and Eva get their chance next chapter! Read and review, boo-yah!<strong>


	6. Cody, Sierra and Eva

**"Celebrity Jeopardy: Total Drama Style"**

**Rated T for Crude Humor**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Saturday Night Live or the Total Drama series.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 6: Cody, Sierra &amp; Eva<strong>

(Jeopardy! theme music plays.)

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I apologize for what happened before we went on the air, but I want to assume everybody that everyone is now wearing pants. Today's contestants are Cody, Sierra & Eva.

Cody: Um, Alex. Look at my podium right here.

Alex Trebek: How excruiciating...Cody has changed his name to Farty Poopfart?

Cody: (Laughing like crazy) It's a funny name!

Alex Trebek: Urrgh...Farty Poopfart it is then. With that said in mind, let's go to the categories. We have Potent Potables, TV theme songs, Condiments, Characters from Naruto, Does This Smell Like Butt To You?, and Oranges. Well start with Eva.

Eva: About time, Sajak.

Alex Trebek: I'm Alex Trebek.

Eva: Like anyone gives a damn. I take the "Condom" thing for $200.

Alex Trebek: Eva, it's Condiments.

Eva: It's your fault you don't wear one. Condoms for $200.

Alex Trebek: Fine...for $200. This is the stuff you put on hot dogs.

(A picture of mustard is shown. Sierra buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Sierra?

Sierra: Who is Cody!

Alex Trebek: No, Sierra.

Sierra: But it's right! I just love my Cody-Wody! he's so adorable I could eat him up. EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Sierra hugs Cody affectionately. Cody cringes.)

Alex Trebek: How odd of you.

(Eva buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Eva?

Eva: What is your face? Ha!

Alex Trebek: No.

Eva: (muttering) You gay-moustached bastard...

(Cody buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Cody?

Cody: Ahem...

Alex Trebek: Oh, dear lord...Farty Poopfart?

Cody: Yeah, what do you want?

Alex Trebek: You buzzed in.

Cody: No, I didn't.

Alex Trebek: Yes, you did!

Cody: Well, that's your opinion.

Alex Trebek: I hate my job...The answer was mustard! Made from mustard seeds.

Sierra: Oh, like on your penis.

Alex Trebek: (groans) Yes...it's like on my penis. Cody-

Cody: For the last time, it's King...Kickass!

Alex Trebek: Okay...King Kickass, you choose.

Cody: Okay, TV Theme songs for a $200.

Alex Trebek: I should've shot myself if I had a chance...For $200, it's an Audio Daily Double. Take a listen to this TV theme song.

TV theme song: _Well, we're movin' on up. To the east side. To that deluxe apartment in the sky..._

(Eva buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: As if I had to guess, Eva?

Eva: What is "Full House".

Alex Trebek: Oh, dear god, no.

(Cody buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Cod-Uh, I mean King Kickass.

Cody: Watches after "Full House"!

Alex Trebek: No!

Cody: The one with Dave Coulier!

Alex Trebek: I know.

(Sierra buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: G**damn it...Sierra?

Sierra: What is Cody!

Alex Trebek: No! It is not Cody. Look I had to deal with that fatass of a cow who was crazy about Chace Crawford and she got gang banged by transsexual fan girls. Do you want to be the same to you?

Sierra: But Cody is always the right answer! Tell him, he can prove it you you that it is!

Alex Trebek: You must me on Cocaine...The correct answer is "The Jeffersons."

Sierra: I am, Alex!

(Sierra has white stuff coming from her nose.)

Alex Trebek: I am so getting sued...Look, why don't we go to Final Jeopardy? That should sound kind of fun...and your category is...you know what? The category is...horsies!

(Final Jeopardy! theme song plays.)

Alex Trebek: Just write any horsie. It could be black beauty...Secretariat...or just a horse...taking a monster shit in my mouth. Keep in mind, there's no wrong answer.

(Final jeopardy! theme song plays.)

Alex Trebek: Okay, pens down. Cody.

Cody: (angrily) I'm Farty Poopfart! Get it right, idiot!

Alex Trebek: Whatever, what did you write down?

(Cody writes a horse in which Alex Trebek's face is pasted on the horse.)

Alex Trebek: Me as a horse...how playful. Let's see your wager.

(Cody's wager shows the Alex Trebek-like horse taking a poop.)

Alex Trebek: Oh, look...I'm taking a shit. Are you high?

Cody: (Tries desperately not to cough) No...

Alex Trebek: Fair enough. Let's go to Sierra.

Sierra: (burps)

Alex Trebek: How gentlewomanly of you...let's see what you wrote.

(Sierra writes a horse that has Cody's head pasted on the horse.)

Alex Trebek: It's Cody as a horse. I had to guess...

Sierra: He's a stallion. I can't get enough of my stallion...Ooooooh...

(Sierra hugs Cody again affectionately. Cody cringes once again.)

Alex Trebek: Uh-huh. What did you wager?

(Her wager shows Sierra getting it from behind by the Cody-like horse.)

Alex Trebek: You getting banged from behind. Yep, you must be high as well.

Sierra: (tries desperately not to cough) No, I'm not...

Alex Trebek: Yes, well...let's go to Eva.

Eva: You're gonna love this...

Alex Trebek: How I shudder to think...let's see what you wrote down...

(Eva draws a regular horse.)

Alex Trebek: A horse. How regular. Well, I did say draw any horse and you got it right.

Eva: (snicker) Check out the wager...

Alex Trebek: I don't know why you're grinning like an idiot...but let's see what you wagered...

(Eva's wager shows Alex Trebek getting raped by a horse.)

Alex Trebek: It's me...getting raped.

Eva: You should've had the look on your face, you gay mustached pansy!

(Eva laughs like a maniac to Alex Trebek.)

Alex Trebek: Well, it seems to me that all of you must have no life whatsoever. Thanks to everyone of you, I can die a poor lowly soul. That's all for Celebrity Jeopardy. I hope that the rest of you die in a apocalypse. Good day.

* * *

><p><strong>Cocaine and pot, that's the breakfast of champions...Next chapter will be Tyler, Lindsay &amp; Izzy's turn! Read and review! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!<strong>


	7. Tyler, Lindsay and Izzy

**"Celebrity Jeopardy: Total Drama Style"**

**Rated T for Crude Humor**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Saturday Night Live or the Total Drama series.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 7: Tyler, Lindsay and Izzy<strong>

(Jeopardy! theme music plays.)

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I just want to say that due to the anal-flame and sudden use of racial slurs, viewer's discretion and sudden use of painful urination is advised. Today's contestants are Tyler, Lindsay...and finally...Izzy'salsohere, okaythenlet'sgoto-

Izzy: (with Sean Connery accent) Not so fast, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: I really thought that was gonna work...

Izzy (S.C.): Well you were wrong, you Montebank. I pose a conundrum to ya, a riddle if you will...

Alex Trebek: (annoyed) I don't want to hear it...

Izzy (S.C.): What's the difference between you and a mallet with a cold? One's a sick duck...I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.

(Izzy laughs.)

Alex Trebek: Wonderful...let's take a look at the categories. We have...Potent Potables, Numbers, Types of Fruit, Country music, Point To Your Own Head, and Animals. Tyler, since you enjoy grinning like the red-hinied idiot that you are, you choose.

Tyler: I'll take Country Music for $200! Wooooooooo!

Lindsay: Go Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Lindsay, that's Tyler...

Lindsay: That's Tyler? Bummer...I thought his name is Trebek...

Alex Trebek: Good lord...For $200, who is this Country music star seen right here?

(A picture of Crystal Gayle is shown. Tyler buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Tyler?

Tyler: I know this one...I know it...I know it...I know it...I know it...!

(A buzzer is heard.)

Alex Trebek: No you don't...

(Lindsay buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Oh, geez...Lindsay?

Lindsay: Who is Heather?

Alex Trebek: No! Why in the hell is that...(points to the picture of Crystal Gayle)...Heather?

Lindsay: She's actually got hair!

Alex Trebek: That is wrong. Thank goodness...

(Izzy buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Izzy?

Izzy (S.C.): I got it! Who is Heather?

Alex Trebek: (bows his head in embarassment) I want to die...The answer was Crystal G****mn Gayle! Are every one of you dumb as s**t?

Lindsay: (points to Izzy) Izzy is.

Alex Trebek: No wonder every one of you are drugged on banana acid...You know what, I'll choose the category, in which it is Animals for $200. This animal has floppy ears. And I should say that it's easy for Lindsay to get right.

(A picture of a rabbit appears. Tyler buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Red-hiney boy?

Tyler: What is Crystal Gayle?

Alex Trebek: No, it is not! Why is that Crystal Gayle?

(Alex Trebek points to the rabbit.)

Tyler: I'm sorry, that's the banana acid talking. I figured all women in Country Music look like that...

Alex Trebek: I should hit you...

(Izzy buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Izzy?

Izzy (S.C.): What is Eddie Rabbitt?

Alex Trebek: No!

Izzy (S.C.): What is "Ed, Edd n Eddy"?

Alex Trebek: No!

Izzy (S.C.): What is "Ruff"?

Alex Trebek: (sternly) Don't ever come here again...

Izzy (S.C.): That's the sound your mother made last night...

(Lindsay buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: (groaning miserably) Uhhhh...The big-boobied bimbo?

Lindsay: Um...what is Tyler?

Alex Trebek: You know what, everyone of you idiots can forget what the answer is, let's just go to Final Jeopardy and your category is "Anything You Can Kill Me With"! Write! Now!

(Final Jeopardy theme song plays.)

Alex Trebek: Just write anything you can kill me with, and well accept any answer you put on there. It can be anything from a nuclear bomb to a disease-ridden, pot-smoking monkey. I don't give a damn...

(Final Jeopardy theme song ends.)

Alex Trebek: Let's go to Tyler.

Tyler: Yo, Alex!

Alex Trebek: Let me guess, you wrote a bunny.

Tyler: Yep, check it out!

(Tyler writes a stick figure with a wig and bunny ears on top.)

Alex Trebek: Who is that?

Tyler: It's Crystal Gayle as a rabbit.

Alex Trebek: Yep, that's the banana acid talking. What is your wager?

(Tyler's wager is a headless Alex Trebek. The Crystal Gayle-like bunny has beheaded him.)

Alex Trebek: It's me getting my head chopped off by her. All apologies to Miss Crystal herself. Let's go to Lindsay.

Lindsay: Done!

Alex Trebek: Oh, perfect...what did you write down-wait, let me guess...Tyler?

(Lindsay writes down Tyler as her answer.)

Alex Trebek: And I'm right...and your wager is...

(Lindsay writes 1 as her wager.)

Alex Trebek: You wagered $1. How amusing...

Lindsay: Oh, come on...my Traylor is #1 to me...

Crowd: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...

Alex Trebek: (angrily) For the last time, it's Tyler!

Lindsay: Well, that's your opinion.

Alex Trebek: Someone shoot me, now... Okay, Izzy-

Izzy: (Sean Connery accent) You don't have to bother laddie. I got it handled. Here it is...

(Izzy writes "I'm Sorry, Alex".)

Alex Trebek: I'm sorry, Alex. That's unexpected of you.

Izzy (S.C.): Hey...it's all in good fun. I don't mean that stuff about you literally...

Alex Trebek: Okay...what's your wager?

(Izzy writes "Trebek is Such A Fruit".)

Alex Trebek: Trebek is such a fruit. Oh, how I didn't see that one coming.

Izzy (S.C.): Buck Futter! Schuck It Hard! Schuck It Hard, you fruit!

Alex Trebek: No, I'm not. Okay, because of their stupidity and such retardiness, especially from Izzy...Miss Crystal Gayle automatically wins, because "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue" is a dope badass song. For that, I'm sorry you we're offended. I'm Alex Trebek of Celebrity Jeopardy!, and the rest of you can suck it. Good night.

* * *

><p><strong>All apologies to Miss Gayle, although her duet with Eddie Rabbitt entitled "You And I" is so sweet and romantic.<strong> **Last up, I think...is Harold, beth and LeShawna. Until then, read and review. Buck Futter!**


	8. Harold, Beth and LeShawna

**"Celebrity Jeopardy: Total Drama Style"**

**Rated T for Crude Humor**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Saturday Night Live or the Total Drama series.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 7: Harold, Beth &amp; LeShawna<br>**

(Jeopardy! theme music plays.)

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I don't know why I should be here in the first place, but I'm certain it had something to do with a flaming cat doing cartwheels on a pregnant nymphomaniac. You can forget the flaccid grandpa cards I would send you for Christmas, you worthless, unholy bastards. Today's contestants are Harold, Beth and LeShawna.

Harold: You got lights, you got cameras! Bitchin' technology!

Alex Trebek: Yeah, I'll make aware of that...anyway, good luck to you. With that said in mind, let's go to the categories. We have Potent Potables, The dollar bill, The Pen Is Mighter, Naruto Uzumaki, Will This Hurt If You Pee, and Drunk Stepdad! Harold, you start.

Harold: Who? What? Where? GOSH!

Alex Trebek: Never mind. We'll start with Beth.

Beth: I don't want to...I get a little nervous when I start.

Alex Trebek: Well, I don't blame you for the hypochondriac...Okay, LeShawna...you choose.

LeShawna: Yo! I wanna give a shout out to my friend, LeFonda, LeShaniqua, LeFurky...this is for you my sisters in the hood. Watch me win!

Alex Trebek: Yeah, I'll take that as a no. But since everyone of you hardly gives a damn...I'll choose. Naruto Uzumaki for $200. For $200, "This is Naruto's Catchphrase".

(Harold buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Harold.

Harold: IGNORE ME!

Alex Trebek: Well...okay, then.

(Beth buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Beth?

Beth: What is "Get Bent"?

Alex Trebek: Hell no...

Beth: No, I mean Get Bent, Alex. Could've you'd just pick a crappy category?

Alex Trebek: I had to, it was hard...

(LeShawna buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Thank goodness, LeShawna?

LeShawna: What is "I Love Cocks"?

Alex Trebek: Oh, lord...you're dumber than Lindsay. The correct answer is "Believe it!"

Beth: I don't believe you...

Alex Trebek: Apparently not...look...we'll just let Harold choose.

Harold: Whoo-hah! I choose "The Penis Mightier" for $200!

Alex Trebek: Harold, that's "The Pen is Mightier"...

Harold: I thought it was "penis."

Alex Trebek: Well, it's not.

Harold: Really? Because I've got one that's real larger than you. Wanna see?

(Harold is about to zip his pants when Alex stops him.)

Alex Trebek: You know what? Let's go to Beth instead.

Beth: I'll take..."Will This Hurt If You Pee?" for $200.

Alex Trebek: Finally, someone with such heart...for $200...will this hurt if you pee? And before you buzz in, all answers in the category is yes.

LeShawna: Well...that makes it easy...

Alex Trebek: But because everyone of you don't have a heart to buzz in...no points are awarded.

Beth: Motherf*****!

Harold: (To Alex) You C*** farm!

LeShawna: No good n*****.

Alex Trebek: Thanks for the compliments...with that said in mind, we'll go with "Final Jeopardy" and your clue is "TV Shows". And be sure that the special people are watching at home... This category should be the easiest answer that no one could get wrong.

(Final Jeopardy! theme song plays.)

Alex Trebek: You can come up with any TV Show there is in this God Forbid planet. Anywhere from porn to "Blue's Clues"...we'll accept right. I don't give a damn, just write a TV show.

(Final Jeopardy! theme song plays.)

Alex Trebek: Okay, let's go to you Harold, you wrote... andyour podium is gone.

(Harold's podium is nowhere to be seen.)

Harold: I don't know where it went, I'm confused...

Alex Trebek: You lost your podium? How can someo-You know what? I don't care. Let's go to Beth.

Beth: Oh, you don't need to bother. I didn't write anything.

Alex Trebek: How can you not write anything? The clue is to just write any TV show.

Beth: The pen is too big...

(Harold snickers.)

Alex Trebek: (to Harold) Dare I ask what is funny?

Harold: (points to Beth) She said "The Penis too big"!

(Alex Trebek bows his head down in embarassment.)

Alex Trebek: I don't know why God put an idiot like you on this Earth...Okay, LeShawna, let's go to you. What did you write?

(LeShawna writes SpongeBob as her answer.)

Alex Trebek: Spongebob...I think we got it right. We may have a winner. Thank goodness. That's it for Celebrity-

LeShawna: (snickering) Whoa there, sugar. Don't you wanna see what I wagered?

Alex Trebek: Oh...how ungentleman-like of me. Okay, then. Let's see what you wagered.

(LeShawna writes down "Sucks C***" as her wager.)

Alex Trebek: Spongebob Sucks C***. What kind of a horrid TV show is that?

LeShawna: Gay porn.

Alex Trebek: I had to guess. Well, it's safe to say to all viewers that you three are the dumbest candyasses that God ever made on this Earth. I hope he curses all of you for eternity. Until then, that's all for Cele-

Harold: My penis is mightier than yours, a**hole!

Alex Trebek: Okay, fine, whatever! That's it for Celebrity Jeopardy...I don't know...

(Alex Trebek walks out.)

* * *

><p><strong>I'd figured I give Harold a Nicolas Cage-like role in this.<strong> **I figured...I'm not done yet! Last up, we got Chris McLean, Blaineley...and a certain someone we all know...If everyone of you have been watching the Celebrity Jeopardy skits for years...you know what I'm talking about! Read and review!**


	9. Chris, Blaineley and Sean Connery?

**"Celebrity Jeopardy: Total Drama Style"**

**Rated T for Crude Humor**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Saturday Night Live or the Total Drama series.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 9: Chris, Blaineley and...Sean Connery?<strong>

(Jeopardy! theme music plays.)

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. We we're going to show you the first round, but due to a technical glitch that we had due to a certain fatass (Owen) mistaking the camera cord as some sort of Twizzler. Thank you, you fat piece of Canadian crap.

Owen (O.S.): Thank you!

Alex Trebek: With that said in mind, in third place with -230,000. Chris McLean.

Chris McLean: I like cake! Rum rum rum! Yow!

Alex Trebek: How retarded of you...coming in second place with -10,000, Mildred-

Blaineley: (O.S.) Ahem!

Alex Trebek: O my stupidity...I meant to say Blaineley O'Halloran...

Blaineley: That's more like it douche! The world will see my greatness come to life!

Alex Trebek: How touching...don't let your boobs shine that far, honey. And in first place...with negative -69 points...(sighs) Oh, geez...Sean Connery. Hey, wait a minute...what happened to Chef Hatchet?

Sean Connery: He's a little tied up, Trebek...

(The scene switches to Chef Hatchet where he is tied up in a closet.)

Chef Hatchet: Damn pansyass Connery! I'm gonna make that Scotland Fart think twice before he messes with me, that fat-bearded sucka!

(Chef Hatchet tries to get up, but falls.)

Sean Connery: That spoony bard.

Alex Trebek: Wait a minute? You tied up Chef Hatchet?

Sean Connery: Did I said 'tied up', I meant...sick. That's all...just sick!

Alex Trebek: What about your score then? -69 is not your score!

Sean Connery: Well, 69 is what I scored with your mother last night! POW!

Chris McLean: That is...awesome!

Alex Trebek: Let's just move onto the categories for Double Jeopardy. They are: "Potent Potables", "Sounds That Kitties Make", "Twinkle Twinkle Little _"... "Catch These Men" - every answer is a person on the FBI's Most Wanted List, so let's just forget that category [ he tears the answers cards ] I'm pretty sure that that would not turn out well -

Sean Connery: I turned out your MOTHER last night!

Alex Trebek: I'm ignoring you!

Sean Connery: It's a prison term - it means I've got her working as a prostitute in my employ!

Alex Trebek: My mother is infirmed - she uses a walker!

Sean Connery: She IS a walker! A STREET WALKER! [ he laughs obnoxiously ]

Alex Trebek: [ fuming on ] Moving on: "States That End In Hampshire", "What Color Is Green", and "Current Black Presidents". Blaineley, let's start with _you_.

Blaineley: Um... "Potent Potables"? I'm sorry, I don't know what that is.

Alex Trebek: It's... about _alcohol_.

Blaineley: Ohhh! In that case, I'll take "Potent Potables"! [ she laughs and mimes drinking to the camera ]

Alex Trebek: For _how_much?

Blaineley: How about a _glass_ full? [ she holds up a wine glass ] Right? Come on! Hand in over, _Tree Bark_, let's go!

Alex Trebek: We-we-we don't have wine!

Blaineley: That's okay, I brought my own! [ she pulls out a little baggie of Chardonney and squeezes it into her glass ]

Alex Trebek: Great. Okay. Fine. Chris, let's just go with _you_.

Chris McLean: Well, where are we going?

Alex Trebek: Nowhere! Nowhere! Pick a category!

Chris McLean: Uh - uh - I'll take $600.

Alex Trebek: In _what_category?

Chris McLean: The... Video Daily Double.

Alex Trebek: I had such high hopes for you. You know what? Let's just do "States That End In Hampshire", for $200. [ reveal square ] "This is the only state ending in Hampshire."

Chris McLean: [ buzzes in ] South Hampshire.

Alex Trebek: No!

Chris McLean: Oh, I'm sorry... I'm sorry! _What_is South Hampshire?

Alex Trebek: No! No! Kathie Lee!

Blaineley: [ she buzzes in ] Hampshire, England.

Alex Trebek: No, no! That's not _in_the United States!

Blaineley: [ in a cockney accent ] I'm sorry, Guv'nor! Please, sir, may I have some more? [ she raises her glass and laughs ]

Alex Trebek: No. Sean Connery, would _you_pick a category?

Sean Connery: I'll take "Catch The Semen" for $800.

Alex Trebek: [ flabbergasted ] It's NOT "Catch The Semen"!

Sean Connery: Is that what the moustache is for, Trebek?

Alex Trebek: [ fuming ] Chris McLean, would _you_just pick a category?

[ reveal Chris McLean with his hand caught in a pickle jar ]

Alex Trebek: And he has his hand stuck in a pickle jar.

Chris McLean: Uh, it's on my hand.

Alex Trebek: _Where_did you get that pickle jar?

Chris McLean: Uh, I-I-I wanted a pickle.

Alex Trebek: Tom, let go of it! Let - [ Tom pulls his other hand off the base of the jar ] No, not the jar! Let go of the pickle!

Chris McLean: But I - but I want a pickle.

Alex Trebek: But we CAN'T keep playing if you DON'T let go of the pickle!

Sean Connery: That's what your MOTHER said last night! [ he laughs obnoxiously ] Take THAT, you poltroon!

Alex Trebek: Moving on. Blaineley, you have the board.

Blaineley: I _am_ bored! I _am_ bored! [ she yawns playfully amd laughs ] Do people actually _watch_this show?

Alex Trebek: Yes. It's actually quite popular... [ he glances onward ] And Chris McLean is caught in a drycleaning bag.

[ reveal Chris McLean struggling to break free of the bag without asphyxiating himself ]

Alex Trebek: Can someone help him? No? No one can help Chris McLean? What's going on here? Alright, let's just move on!

[A buzzer goes off.]

Alex Trebek: Cody.

[reveal Cody suddenly in the game.]

Alex Trebek: Wait, what? Cody? _Where_did you come from?

Cody: What, I've been here the whole time!

Alex Trebek: No, you haven't!

Cody: Sure, I have! Before! I'll take, uh - give me, uh - "Famous Chinamen" for $200.

Alex Trebek: There is NO Chinamen category! And there would never be ANYTHING that offensive!

Cody: [ he buzzes in ] Who is... Pat Morita?

Alex Trebek: First of all, Pat Morita was Japenese, not Chinese!

Cody: [ he buzzes in ] Who is Kam Fong as Chin Ho?

Alex Trebek: Good Lord! Let's just move on to Final Jeopardy. The category is: "Nonsense Words". Just write a random series of letters - any letters - as long as it's not a word, you will win.

[scroll across the celebrities: Blaineley writing her answer while looking directly at the camera, Chris McLean receiving a shock as he touches the pen to his tongue, then banging his head on the podium and falling to the floor.]

Alex Trebek: Let's see what rare gems our cotenstants have mined today. Blaineley, let's see your nonsense word.

[screen reveals: "Josh"]

Alex Trebek: Josh. That's not a nonsense word. You've bet your co-host on "Celebrity Manhunt".

Blaineley: Josh? Believe me, that's nonsense!

Alex Trebek: And your wager?

[screen reveals: "That I'll be passed out in an hour"]

Alex Trebek: You wagered that you'll be passed out in an hour.

Blaineley: You're darn tootin', pardner!

Alex Trebek: Alright. [ he moves along ] Chris McLean? [ Hanks rises from behind his podium ] You managed to give yourself a pretty nasty welt there. Let's see what you wrote.

[reveal a busted podium screen

Alex Trebek: And... you broke your podium.

Chris McLean: [ holds up his pen ] See, what happened was...

Alex Trebek: Yeah, we had that millions of times...

Chris McLean: Sibilence! Sibilence!

Alex Trebek: [he moves along] Cody...? Where - where is Cody? Cody's podium just vanished!

Sean Connery: He was never here, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Yes, he was!

Sean Connery: No, he wasn't!

Alex Trebek: Yes, he was! But let's just see what you wrote. [Connery's screen reveals what looks like "101SSSB"] Wow! That IS a nonsense word! Judges? Yes! Yes, the judges agree! Fantastic work, Mr. Connery! I'm so very happy in this moment.

Sean Connery: Well... I thought you could use a friend.

Alex Trebek: [he nods humbly] Thank you. Thank you, Sean. [he pats Connery's hand]

Sean Connery: You're welcome.

Alex Trebek:...Let's see what my "friend", Sean, wagered.

[lower half of screen reveals a drawing of Trebek's grave, Connery, and a piece of poop surrounded by flies.]

Alex Trebek: If I'm looking at that correctly, that's _you_, I take it, defecating on my grave.

Sean Connery: It was right after I had sex with your MOTHER, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Okay, that's it! Show's over. I quit! Again! Good night!

[Cody re-enters, wearing a pair of Hulk hands like boxing gloves and making for Trebek]

Cody: Come on! I got some Hulk hands! Long live Farty Poopfart! Kneel before me!

(Cody beats up Alex Trebek.)

* * *

><p><strong>Yep, you guessed it! Sean Connery is the mystery contestant, and the series...much like my patience...is over. That's all for Celebrity Jeopardy: Total Drama Style. Read and review, fire breathing warlocks!<br>**


	10. Lightning, Anne Maria and Brick

**"Celebrity Jeopardy: Total Drama Style"**

**Rated T for Crude Humor**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Saturday Night Live or the Total Drama series.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 10: Lightning, Anne Maria and Brick<strong>

(Jeopardy! theme music plays.)

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I thought we were done with this Total Drama business, but seeing as though I have 13 more buttwads to do, I feel like I wanna go on a killing spree. With that said in mind, today's contestants are Lightning, Anne Maria, and Brick.

Brick: Um, that's not my name, Trebek.

Alex Trebek: Dare I ask why?

Brick: Look at my podium.

Alex Trebek: (embarassed) Oh, good lord. Apparently, Brick just changed his name to "S**t Brick".

Brick: (pointing at Alex) Bow down before S*** Brick!

Alex Trebek: Yeah, I'll do that when I'm dead. Let's just go to the categories. We have Potent Potables, Don't Fart, Hamburgers, Sports Teams, Butter Your Own Hand, and Don't Press Anything.

Lightning: Oh, man! I got this in the bag! Okay...I'll try...mmmmmmm...too hard...I know, let's try...um...I think I'll go for...

Alex Trebek: Been in this country long, Lightning? You know...maybe I'll let Anne Maria start.

(She buzzes in.)

Anne Maria: (shouting) What is Potent Potables for a quarter?

Alex Trebek: Anne Maria, that's not how the game's played! You have to choose a category, and you have to let me read the clue so then you can buzz in the form of a question.

Anne Maria: What kind of s***ty game show you run here?

Alex Trebek: Apparently the kind you find in a disease-infected toilet. Find one in jersey if you can. Maybe, I'll let Brick-

Brick: (cutting him off) S**t Brick!

Alex Trebek: (fuming) Urrrrrgh...fine. S**t Brick?

Brick: I'll take Don't Press Anything for $1000, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Finally, someone with dirty balls...the clue is don't press anything. Don't buzz in, don't say anything, and you all win.

(There is a good silence for 4 seconds, but someone yelps and presses his buzzer on accident.)

Alex Trebek: Lightning, you just lost.

Lightning: Sorry, man. Anne Maria pinched my ass.

Alex Trebek: How family friendly of you...

(Anne Maria buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Anne Maria, you also lost.

Anne Maria: But I wanted to answer the question.

Alex Trebek: Didn't I tell you the clue?

Anne Maria: I'm sorry. I was thinking of Lightning's ass. I'm a bit lonely.

Alex Trebek: No wonder...the correct answer is nothing, because Brick-

Brick: S**t Brick!

Alex Trebek: Whatever! It's because S**t Brick actually had the audacity not to buzz in. For that he gets a dollar.

Brick: King S**t Brick is most pleased!

Alex Trebek: Wonderful. Lighting, you choose.

Lightning: I'll take "Hamboobers" for $400!

Alex Trebek: Wait a minute, wha-

(Alex Trebek turns over to the category board and sees that there was white tape that says "oob" over the "urg". Replacing the word Hamburgers with "Hamboobers")

Alex Trebek: That's not the name of a category. You just put a red marker over the urg and replaced it with oob!

Lightning: No I didn't.

Alex Trebek: Yes, you did!

Lightning: That's your opinion, pal. Someone framed me!

(Lightning throws the red marker away without Alex Trebek even looking, throwing away the evidence.)

Alex Trebek: Fine. Anne Maria-

(Anne Maria buzzes in.)

Anne Maria: I'll have a "G"!

Alex Trebek: (fuming) What did I just say?

Anne Maria: I thought this was "Wheel of Fortune"?

Alex Trebek: (angrily) It's...Celebrity...Jeopardy!

Anne Maria: You are so retarded...

Alex Trebek: Thanks for the compliment. Okay, the clue is...this is the vegetable you put on a burger.

(A picture of pickles is shown. Brick buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Oh, good lord. S**t Brick?

Brick: (Smiles, but forgets) I forgot.

Alex Trebek: Wonderful...

(Lightning buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Lightning?

Lightning: What is boobs?

Alex Trebek: (fuming) No! Why are you thinking about boobs so much?

Lightning: I like Anne Maria's. You can tell she's not wearing a bra.

Alex Trebek: I had such expectations for you...

(Anne Maria buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Anne Maria?

Anne Maria: Um...what is...Lightning's ass?

(Alex Trebek bows down in embarassment.)

Alex Trebek: (muffled) What in the hell happened to my life?

Brick: (Scottish accent) Bring on the category, my lad!

Alex Trebek: (angrily) Don't remind me! Since everyone of you was born without a single soul in your devil-infested hearts, we'll just go right ahead to Final Jeopardy and your clue is "Something". Just write something!

("Final Jeopardy!" theme song plays. The camera scrolls to Lightning [who is too busy staring at Anne Maria's butt], Anne Maria [who was busy looking at Lightning's 'package']. and Brick [who is still thinking].)

Alex Trebek: You can just write something. It doesn't have to me a wrong answer. i can be a right answer. It can be anything offensive or something that could get me fired. Just write something.

("Final Jeopardy!" theme song is over.)

Alex Trebek: Okay, now that my horrific nightmare of hosting can finally be over, we'll start with S*** Brick...who's eating his own pen...

(Brick is munching on a Jeopardy pen.)

Brick: Want some, Trebek?

Alex Trebek: Basically, I don't wanna even know where you got that...and quite frankly, I don't care.

Brick: I got it off a monkey's anal bum.

Alex Trebek: (shudders) And maybe...I wouldn't care what you wagered, so that let's go to Anne Maria.

Anne Maria: I'll take the physical challenge.

Alex Trebek: (Sighs) For the love of God, Anne Maria...this is "Celebrity Jeopardy", not "Double Dare". But anyway...let's see what you wrote down.

(screen reveals: "uu")

Alex Trebek: The letter 'W'...we'll you did write something. So...I guess we'll accept it.

Anne Maria: It just came to me.

Alex Trebek: Kinda of a weird 'w', but let's see what you wagered.

(screen reveals: Lightning's ass.)

Alex Trebek: Lightning's ass...how I didn't see that coming.

Anne Maria: I'm just so lonely...I need someone to hold me...ohhhh...

(Anne Maria goes to Lightning, and he comforts her.)

Alex Trebek: Why do I sense something wrong here...? Okay, Lightning. You're last, so...let's see...what you wrote down.

(screen reveals a medium sized picture of a weird volcano.)

Alex Trebek: You wrote down a volcano...how weird of you...

(Lightning starts to snicker.)

Lightning: Don't you wanna know what I wagered?

Alex Trebek: Well...I don't know why you're snickering like that, but...all right, then? What did Lightning wager?

(screen reveals to be a picture of Lightning putting Anne Maria in a compromising position.)

Alex Trebek: Lightning, do I have to ask what you drew there?

Lightning: Have you ever seen a hot Jersey chick do a backward crab imitation and you see one milky tip coming from a ribbed, throbbing pickle? That's actually me drilling her, just like at the end of this show! Pretty crafty, huh?

Alex Trebek: How perverted from the two of you...I hope the sex tape we had here on Celebrity Jeopardy gets lost through my mail. That's all for-

Brick (o.s.): Kneel before your master! I am King S**t Brick! I will ruuuuuuuuuuuule yoooooooooou!

Alex Trebek: Fine, whatever! That's all for Celebrity Jeopardy, May all of you eat your own s**t. (angrily) Good night!

(Trebek walks off the set pissed off.)

* * *

><p><strong>That's right! This time, I'm bringing back this fic, but this time with the new characters from "Total Drama: Revenge of the Island"! Next up, we'll be doing Mike, Zoey, and Jo! Read and review until then!<strong>


	11. Mike, Zoey and Jo

**"Celebrity Jeopardy: Total Drama Style"**

**Rated T for Crude Humor**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Saturday Night Live or the Total Drama series.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 11: Mike, Zoey and Jo<strong>

(Jeopardy! theme music plays.)

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Before we start this show, I strongly urge to inform everyone watching at home to please...change the channel. You will never get these precious moments back in your life. Today's contestants are Mike, Zoey, and Jo!

Mike: (imitating Sean Connery) You'll rue the day you crossed me, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: How excruiciating.

Zoey: I'm bored...you have any hot wings?

Alex Trebek: Zoey, you just ate. Wait until after the show.

Zoey: (Whining) But I'm hung-gry!

Alex Trebek: Yeah, well. Live with it. With that, let's go to our categories. We have Potent Potables, Touch It, Fruits, Shoes, Types of Cars, and Trebek's Mother. Wait...what the hell? "Trebek's mother"? Who did this?

Jo: Haha...I bet I know the answers to that one...

Alex Trebek: (fuming) I am ignoring you. You choose the category.

Jo: Yeah, a better game show, cause this...sucks ass!

Alex Trebek: I guess that's not getting through...Mike, you start.

Mike: (imitating Sean Connery) Well net...I'll take Fruits, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Well, how much?

Mike: Surprise me, you spoony bastard!

Alex Trebek: Very well then. For $400, "This is the fruit shown right here."

(A picture of a half of peach is shown. Mike buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Mike?

Mike: (Sean Connery-like) What is your mother's vajayjay?

Alex Trebek: What?

(Alex Trebek looks back at the picture of the half-peach and realizes that it exactly looks like Trebek mother's Vajayjay.)

Alex Trebek: That is foul of you!

Mike: Why, all peaches look like that inside! Ask your mother.

(Zoey buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Zoey? Zoey, put down those hot wings!

(Zoey is shown eating a plate full of buffalo hot wings.)

Zoey: But I'm hungry...I can't help it.

Alex Trebek: How wonderful...

(Jo buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Jo?

Jo: Can I have a hot wing?

Alex Trebek: No!

Jo: (muttering) Bitch...

Alex Trebek: The answer is a peach! Doesn't anybody get that at all?

(Mike buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: You're too late, Mike.

Mike: Can I go to the bathroom?

Alex Trebek: No, you have to wait until the show's over.

Mike: (struggling) But I gotta piss really bad, man!

Alex Trebek: Pee in a cup all you want. It's not my problem.

Mike: Oh...I guess I don't have to go then...

Alex Trebek: Okay, since this is getting out of control...I'll choose the category this time. "Touch It" for $400.

Mike: Really? Because I swore I said that to your mother last night. Pow!

Alex Trebek: Please kill me now. For $400, touch your finger to your nose. You do that, and you all win.

(Zoey buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Zoey, the buzzer doesn't count. And why are you still eating hot wings in the middle of the show?

(Zoey is shown, still eating hot wings.)

Zoey: (muffled) Got any ranch?

Alex Trebek: Are you that retarded?

Zoey: (muffled) Yes.

(Jo buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Oh, for the love of god...Jo?

Jo: Why won't you let me have a f***in' hot wing?

Alex Trebek: It's Celebrity Jeopardy, not Cracker Barrel!

(Mike buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Mike, I hate you.

Mike: Can I have a hot wing?

Alex Trebek: All of you suck...the correct answer was of course, touch your finger to your nose. But since the rest of you didn't do so, no one is awarded points.

(Jo buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: (fuming) What is it?

Jo: (yelling) CAN I PLEASE HAVE A G**DAMN HOT WING?

Alex Trebek: Errrrgh...let's just go to Final Jeopardy. And your clue is..."Icons". Just write any celebrity and you all win.

("Final Jeopardy!" theme song plays.)

Alex Trebek: It can be any celebrity. It doesn't have to be a wrong answer. You can even put me. Or you can even write down a hot wing. It's your choice.

("Final Jeopardy!" theme song is over.)

Alex Trebek: Now that all of you are finished, thank god...Jo...

(Alex Trebek sees that Jo has finally eating some hot wings.)

Jo: (sees Trebek looking at her) What? I was hungry! You wouldn't want me to starve would you?

Alex Trebek: I was thinking about it...let's see what you wrote down.

(Screen reveals nothing.)

Alex Trebek: Nothing. And your wager is...

(Screen reveals nothing.)

Alex Trebek: Nothing. What in the hell's wrong with you?

Jo: (muffled) My hands were too greasy to write down a damn thing. Ask Zoey.

Alex Trebek: I rather not...but I'll go to her anyway. Zoey?

(Zoey seems to have buffalo sauce from her lips.)

Alex Trebek: You seem to have buffalo sauce on your face.

(Zoey tries to wipe the sauce from her lips, but she ends up spreading more on her face.)

Zoey: Did I get it?

Alex Trebek: Yeah, let's say you got it. And lets see how you wrote down.

(screen reveals a stick figure)

Alex Trebek: Um...who is that?

Zoey: Oh...it's me. I'm sorry, I didn't have time to think of a response.

Alex Trebek: Fat guess. And I'm also guessing you wagered hot wings. Let's see here.

(Screen reveals hot wings.)

Alex Trebek: And I'm right. Did you fall right on your head when you were a kid?

Zoey: Mostly.

Alex Trebek: (quietly) What an assbite...(To Mike) Okay Mike. Lets see what you wrote down.

(Screen reveals: "Trebek")

Alex Trebek: Trebek. That's me. Everyone, we may have a winner! I am impressed by you, Mike! You won.

(Mike grins and snickers like an idiot.)

Alex Trebek: May I ask why you're like that?

Mike: You wanna see what I wagered?

Alex Trebek: Well...I don't know why...but okay? Let's see what Mike had wagered.

(screen reveals: Mother's p***y.)

Alex Trebek: Trebek mother's...what?

Mike: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You totally fell for it!

Jo: Nice!

(Jo and Mike give each other a high-five.)

Alex Trebek: May all of you go to hell for this. That's all for-

Zoey: (cutting him off) You want one?

(Zoey hands Trebek a buffalo wing covered in ranch.)

Alex Trebek: Why not, at least I came into the studio not drunk as shit. So long for Celebrity Jeopardy and all of you can get bent. Good day.

(Alex Trebek takes the plate of hot wings from Zoey's podium and leaves.)

* * *

><p><strong>Somehow, I'm craving buffalo wings all of a sudden...<strong>

**Scott, Dakota, and Cameron will be the next to go! Until then, read and review!**


	12. Scott, Dakota and Cameron

**"Celebrity Jeopardy: Total Drama Style"**

**Rated T for Crude Humor**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Saturday Night Live or the Total Drama series.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 12: Scott, Dakota and Cameron<strong>

(Jeopardy! theme music plays.)

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. My pants smell really bad, and anyone who's watching at home...prevent fumigation at all costs. Today's contestants are Scott, Dakota, and Cameron.

Cameron: Uh, hey! How's it goin', Alex? Time for the jeopardy!

Dakota: I'm bored. Who in the hell watches this show? Pot-smoking chimps?

Alex Trebek: It's watched by everyone.

Dakota: Waste of s***...

Alex Trebek: Anyway, let's take a look at the categories. They are...Potent Potables, Butter Ads, Comedians named Tosh, Can You Smell This, Foreign Flicks, and Dogs. Scott...

(Trebek sees Scott urinating on his own podium.)

Alex Trebek: Scott! Quit that! That's not a bathroom!

Scott: Your bathroom's out of order, man.

Alex Trebek: I am getting so sued...you know what? We'll just go to Dakota.

Dakota: (to one of the audience members) I'll take a pack of gum for 50 cents!

Alex Trebek: That's not one of the categories.

Dakota: Who in the hell asked you, ass? I'm starving for some sugar...

(She takes the pack of gum, chews it, and blows a bubble that floats up in the air.)

Alex Trebek: Well, you certainly are useless...Cameron, you start!

Cameron: Finally! Give me...Butter Nads for $800!

Alex Trebek: Cameron, that's "Butter Ads"!

Cameron: No it doesn't. That says Butter Nads.

Alex Trebek: Wha-?

(Trebek turns over and sees the "N" painted next to "ads", therefore the category is changed to butter nads.)

Alex Trebek: (Fuming) What? Scott! Did you do this?

Scott: What? I did nothing...don't blame me...

(Scott throws the black marker away so that Trebek doesn't see it.)

Alex Trebek: Okay, then...I guess I'll choose a category. Dogs for $400. This is the sound a doggy makes.

(Dakota buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Dakota?

Dakota: You got a napkin?

Alex Trebek: No! Why would you need a napkin?

Dakota: Isn't it obvious, I gotta spit my gum out!

Alex Trebek: Why would you chew gum in the middle of a competition?

(Trebek doesn't even notice Scott passing through him.)

Dakota: I just have to. I wouldn't give a damn about the question. Let alone my self esteem.

(A backstage producer gives Dakota a napkin.)

Dakota: Thanks.

(Dakota spits out the gum.)

Dakota: Here you go.

(Dakota gives the gum-covered napkin to Cameron.)

Cameron: Thanks.

(Cameron then puts Dakota's gum-covered napkin in his pocket.)

Alex Trebek: Thanks for that heart-wrenching moment...the answer is "ruff"!

Scott: Just the way your mother likes it!

Alex Trebek: What? Hey, hey!

(Alex Trebek sees that Scott is not in his podium. He is urinating on the category board.)

Alex Trebek: (fuming) Go back to your podium! I told you! This isn't a bathroom!

Scott: I can't help it. Prostate problem!

Alex Trebek: Can someone please get Scott to his podium?

(Dakota gets Scott to his podium.)

Alex Trebek: Thank you. Now that's settled, let's go to...you know what. Forget it. Let's just go to Final Jeopardy, that way we can go a lot faster. Your clue is...oh, why would they do this? The category is "Famous Mothers"?

Scott: HAHAHA! My day has come!

(Alex rips the card.)

Alex Trebek: I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction...instead the new category is "Would you like a cookie?" Write.

("Final Jeopardy!" theme song plays.)

Alex Trebek: If you want one, just write yes. If you don't want one, just write no. Or if you want to draw a cookie getting peed on. Go right ahead.

("Final Jeopardy!" theme song is over.)

Alex Trebek: Okay, let's go to Cameron-

(Alex sees that Cameron is chewing Dakota's gum.)

Alex Trebek: Cameron, spit that out! You don't know where the hell that thing's been!

Cameron: (quietly) Douchebag...

(Cameron takes out his gum and sticks it on Alex Trebek's forehead.)

Alex Trebek: I appreciate the comment. Let's see what you wrote down.

(screen reveals nothing.)

Alex Trebek: Absolutely nothing...we'll it did say if you wanted a cookie and you didn't. Let's see the wager.

(Screen reveals: 11 Gazillion dollars.)

Alex Trebek: 11 gazillion dollars. Cameron, that's not even a real number.

Cameron: (points to Alex Trebek) Yet...

Alex Trebek: I had such high hopes for you. Let's go to Dakota.

Dakota: What's it to you besides that pimple you got in your forehead?

Alex Trebek: That's your gum.

Dakota: Whatever the hell it is, it's creeping the hell out of me...

Alex Trebek: How offensive. Let's see what you wrote down.

(screen reveals Cookie Monster's head and his mouth is opening.)

Alex Trebek: Somehow...you managed to write down Cookie Monster...I guess that means you like cookies.

Dakota: What? No! I hate cookies. I tried to feed my teacup poodle with it, but all I smelled was fricking wine coolers and Red Bulls.

Alex Trebek: How friendly. Let's see how much you wagered...

(screen reveals a large line which inserts inside Cookie Monster's mouth. It is something nasty and too X-rated to be shown on TV.)

Alex Trebek: Ohhhhhh! How disgusting and gay of you...

Dakota: Yeah. I got a new name for him now. He's called Co-

Alex Trebek: (desperately) Let's go to Scott! Scott, you learn your lesson?

Scott: (smirking) We'll say that I have...

Alex Trebek: I don't know why you're grinning like a pee-drinking jackal...but let's see what you wrote down.

(screen reveals 4 cookies lined up.)

Alex Trebek: It's only 4 cookies. You like cookies! That's unbelievable! I am impressed! I mean, how do you do it?

Scott: It just came to me...

(Scott keeps smirking like an idiot.)

Alex Trebek: Well, you must be happy. Anything on your mind?

Scott: (snickering) You wanna see my wager?

Alex Trebek: Sure...I guess it wouldn't hurt. What did my winner wager?

(screen reveals: POOP.)

Scott: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Alex Trebek: Poop...how I didn't see that coming...

Scott: It's because you're full of s**t, Trebek! HAHAHAHAHA!

Alex Trebek: Well, seeing from what I saw here...you three are the most disgusting pieces of s**t I've ever seen.

Cameron: Hey, pimplehead! You gonna get rid of that?

(He looks back at Cameron and back to the camera.)

Alex Trebek: I changed my mind...make that three pieces of retarded s**t I have ever seen. That's all for Celebrity Jeopardy, I'm going home and putting a gun in my mouth. Good day.

* * *

><p><strong>Looks like I did it again! Last up, will be Sam, Dawn and B! Yep, the closer. I was gonna include Staci, but since they're are 13 contestants in the new season, I can only do 12. Which is three an episode. Read and review until then.<strong>


	13. Sam, Dawn and B

**"Celebrity Jeopardy: Total Drama Style"**

**Rated T for Crude Humor**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Saturday Night Live or the Total Drama series.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 13: Sam, Dawn and B<strong>

(Jeopardy! theme music plays.)

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. before we begin, I like to remind the people living in Bangladesh to prevent severe anal bleeding at all costs. With that said in mind, today's contestants are Sam, Dawn, and B.

(Sam laughs.)

Sam: Haha! Two direct hits!

(Trebek sees Sam playing his Nintendo 3DS.)

Alex Trebek: (annoyed) Sam, will you please quit playing that thing of yours? We have a show to do!

Sam: (not paying attention) Damn, he almost got me there! These Crystal meth spaceships will never touch my rock hard hyacinth ark! Bow to your master!

Alex Trebek: What kind of game are you even playing, anyway?

Sam: I'm playing "Charlie Sheen and The Cocaine Factory"! WINNING!

Alex Trebek: I had to guess...anyway, let's go the categories. We have Potent Potables, Therapist, Jump On Your Two Feet, 80's Flicks, Tauruses, and Go Burn Yourself. Dawn, we'll let you start.

(Dawn isn't paying attention as she is meditating.)

Alex Trebek: Dawn?

Dawn: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! The grim fairy does not want to be disturbed. His black pixie dust is spreading across this very same minefield as it is...

Alex Trebek: How very retarded of you. Let's start with B.

(B is fallen asleep.)

Alex Trebek: Good lord, will someone please wake B up?

(Somebody throws a rock onto B's head. He immediately wakes up.)

B: (Wakes up) AHHHHH! I'LL HAVE A HOOKER WITH THOSE FRIES! (Back to reality.) What the hell? Did I just get laid, man?

Alex Trebek: Yeah, we'll say just that. Say, I know. I'll pick a category for all of you. 80's Flicks for $400. 'This movie stars Drew Barrymore and an Alien who wants to phone home."

(Sam buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: Good, Sam. You paid attention for once.

Sam: What is Hugh Hefner?

Alex Trebek: No.

Sam: Why the hell not? I thought this was "80's Flings"!

Alex Trebek: (fumes) For the love of god, it's 80's...Flicks!

(B buzzes in.)

Alex Trebek: B?

B: What is Larry Flynt?

Alex Trebek: It's "Flicks" not "Flings"!

B: I'm sorry...my vision's blurred a bit...

Alex Trebek: I had to guess...The answer is "E.T." Dawn is your turn.

(Dawn is still ignoring Alex Trebek.)

Alex Trebek: Are you even watching the board or planning to kill yourself?

Dawn: Shhhhhhhhhhh! The near-death fairy doesn't like to be disturbed...

Alex Trebek: I see someone brought the "Hooked On Phonics Charlie Sheen Edition"...Sam, your turn on the board.

Sam: Sweet, man! I'll take The Rapists for $400.

(A strong silence.)

Alex Trebek: (fuming) Sam, that's "Therapists"!

Sam: I can read, R-tard! That says The Rapists!

Alex Trebek: Well...let's just skip Therapists and go to 'Jump On Your Two Feet' for $400. The answer is, jump on your two feet. Any one of you do that and you win automatically.

(Neither Sam, Dawn, or B jump on their two feet. BUZZ!)

Alex Trebek: And the rest of you are idiots. B?

B: Thanks. I appreciate it...I'll take The Rapists for $400.

Sam: (To B, acting like a sensei) You're learning well, my fat caterpillar...

Alex Trebek: (angrily) It's Therapists!

Sam: (declaring) Then I'm the cock of the walk!

Alex Trebek: Can't anyone of you-you know what? The hell with this. Let's just head to Final Jeopardy and the category is...you know what?

(Trebek rips the cards.)

Alex Trebek: You each decide. You each write your own answer and your own question. Start.

("Final Jeopardy!" theme song plays.)

Alex Trebek: You can write any question that comes to mind. You have to be the most handicapped people on Earth not to mess this up. There's no way you can get this wrong.

("Final Jeopardy!" theme song is over.)

Alex Trebek: Now let's see how you managed to mess this up. Sam?

(Sam is not paying attention to him. He is still playing his Nintendo 3DS.)

Alex Trebek: Sam, do you want your 3DS to live again?

(Sam is frustrated at Trebek and finally puts it up.)

Sam: Happy now, gangbanger?

Alex Trebek: Verily. Okay, Sam asked this question.

(screen reveals: You wanna go )

Alex Trebek: You wanna go. Okay, just where, Sam.

Sam: (smirking) Anything comes to mind.

Alex Trebek: Okay, and his answer is...

(screen reveals: Up your ass.)

Alex Trebek: Up your ass! Your family must be proud of you...

Sam: You wanna see it up close?

(Sam turns around and bends over, trying to moon Trebek.)

Alex Trebek: (ahuddered and disgusted) I rather not. Let's go to Dawn?

(Dawn finally comes to reality.)

Dawn: Okay, I'm done meditating. Let's start the game.

Alex Trebek: Um, Dawn. The show is over.

Dawn: Really? How long was I out?

Alex Trebek: (fuming) Try way too long! But whatever, let's see what question you came up with.

(screen reveals nothing.)

Alex Trebek: I knew it. You couldn't think up of a question?

Dawn: Well, I would've put down something to write but those damn anti-pixies got to my head and implanted crack into my sternum!

Alex Trebek: Somehow, you must be watching the "Fairly Racist OddParents." So let's just forget your answer and we'll head over to B.

B: Hey-oh!

Alex Trebek: Yeah, thanks for the racial slur. Let's see what kind of question you came up with.

(screen reveals: 2.)

Alex Trebek: The number 2...

B: Yep, that's a brilliant question there, my friend!

Alex Trebek: B, 2 is a number, not a question.

(B has an embarrassed look on his face.)

B: I can't read or write, man...

Alex Trebek: Good for you...so far, the winner is automatically Dawn, since she actually had the muff not to answer...

Dawn: The vengeful pot-fueled angels in the sky will be most pleased.

Alex Trebek: I'd bet they are...well, it's safe to say that every child watching at home has been robbed of their soul. Until then, so long from Celebrity Jeopardy, may all of you be s**tted on for all eternity. Goodbye.

Sam: Wait a minute, there's poop too?

(Alex scoffs and leaves.)

* * *

><p><strong>Well, what a way to end the parody once and for all! I hope everyone enjoyed Alex Trebek at its lowest! Read and review until then!<strong>


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